Monday, September 08, 2008

Uh...what the heck...

Warning:
Highly addictive video ahead...my favorite part is the "ZAP!". And what the heck is a grand piano doing there? And whose idea was this?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

American Excess

By the spring of 1991, (two years after graduation), I had accumulated 3 Visa cards, two Mastercards, and a Discover card. Along the way I had also picked up a Sears card for "household" needs, a Structure card for "clothing" needs, a Firestone card for "auto" needs. Still, I was missing something. The concept of the American Express card was ultra-sophisticated. They did not put a credit limit on your purchases, because they simply trusted you to pay the bill within the 30 day billing cycle. Here was a way, I thought, to put everyday purchases on plastic, not use my cash, pay one bill at the end of the month, and not put anything trivial on my regular credit cards, each of which was at least 30% or more charged towards the available limit. If I used the Amex for trivial items, I could just use the Visa's for meaningful purchases and it would make more financial sense. So I got an Amex green card.

The circle of credit card life was now complete. The feeling of accomplishment, of financial achievement, of raw, unbridled purchasing power was an incredible ego trip. No one else in my family could boast this level of financial prowess. I had really done well for myself.

It was hard to imagine where to go from here. Most of the slots in my extra large wallet were now occupied. It hurt to sit down, but I could come and go and do whatever wherever I pleased.
I was now managing debt so well, I received my first ever card upgrade. Well, this was special!

It was right about this time when I began to feel a twinge of nervousness about the whole credit scenario. I mean, if I wasn't careful, I could "charge" on two Amex cards quicker than I was using the other credit cards in my arsenal. Having to pay the whole American Express bill at the end of the month was a tad inconvenient, until I discovered a little feature called the "Sign and Travel" account which actually let you put validated travel purchases on a separate part of the account and pay over time. This meant that I could buy plane tickets and rent cars, and NOT pay the bill completely at the end of the month, but rather "over time", much like a Visa or Mastercard. I decided that the American Express cards would be reserved for my "travel" needs. American Express, decided to make that whole thing even easier for me a couple of years later when they converted the "Sign and Travel" Account to an actual new card. Yep, you guessed it:


If any of this is beginning to sound absurd to you, you're right, it was. But it didn't seem that way to me. I was still pretty frugal in my mind, letting cash build up in my checking account and paying only minimum payments on each card. This was "managing" my money... or rather managing my accounts. I did not mind the routine of collecting the mail, dutifully filing the bills, writing out the checks, putting on the stamps, and mailing the bills each month. Except that now the list of bills I paid was over 12 or 13 different items, not including rent and utility checks that I also wrote. More and more of my monthly income was now being paid out in bills. As much as I liked spending, I began to realize that I hated writing checks more...

Monday, August 18, 2008

800 blurry freshmen


0816081104.jpg
Originally uploaded by SkipGienapp
Saturday was orientation at the university where I work. Every fall, I stand before these "eager young minds" and cajole them to bring their class schedule with them to buy books in my bookstore. This year I tried to break up the monotony by taking a picture. The picture turned out blurry. (I only use my phone camera for pics.)

At first I was bummed, but then I was elated. I realize that this picture of 800 freshmen is actually a metaphor for my role in the bookstore. This is exactly what last year's class looked like, and likely what next years class will look like. This is probably the first, and last, time I will see some of these people. I am able to help individuals as they come to me with their textbook, advising, orientation, and financial questions, and that's actually the way I prefer it. I'd rather make a big difference in a couple of lives than be famous to many. Every year, people graduate who know my name whose name I've never known to even begin to remember.

Their college career is beginning, and at the end of the day they've got bigger problems than I do. At the end of the day, I've got a family that needs me, and it's to those people that I am responsible.

It's still a lot of fun though....

Friday, August 15, 2008

My wife and her horse


My wife and her horse
Originally uploaded by SkipGienapp
My wife is a dedicated and loving wife, stay at home mom, home-schooler, entrepreneur, and horse lover. Yep, most of her childhood dreams have now come true.

While I have glibly quoted "Happy Wife, Happy Life" many times over the last 11 years, I now know what the flip that really means.

Allow me a little cut and paste quoting here. I've been thinking about trying to make this a song.

Proverbs 31 describes the virtuous woman, and I think about how many times I have failed to appreciate her over the years but this passage speaks the truth.
Description of a Worthy Woman
10An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
14She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
16She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.


Let me drive this point home.
"11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain."

What I've learned over the last few months, as we have come to be united in spirit and in purpose in our marriage, is that it is impossible to win with money, to win at LIFE, without having true partnership with his wife. I thought I understood about money. I thought I was making good financial decisions. I thought I could erase the years of bad decisions and unnecessary purchase totally on my own, but I've realized that I cannot.

I believe that God will bless the family where the husband and wife are communicating and relating and loving and listening to each other. Getting out of debt is the by-product of this unity, and not the catalyst. When you experience the heart change, you will start experiencing blessings you never expected. This is not the "prosperity gospel" seen on many religious TV programs but rather a direct outpouring of grace as a result of obedience to the Lord.

Back in the spring, when we began this new leg of our married journey, we began to know what true peace in the Lord feels like. We found happiness and contentment.

The horses moved in next door in the spring as well. Laurie was delighted. She would have already had one tied up in our backyard if it were up to her completely. But our next door neighbors have a large property that they have rented to some other neighbors who own the horses, and one day, they were just there. At first just 4, now up to 10 or so (I don't really keep count).

Laurie immediately be-friended the owners of the horses and received invitations to riding on Saturday mornings. She visits the horses every night after dinner. It's her time. The boys and I stay at the house. She literally just steps across the road and into a large field of horses. She could not have dreamed up anything greater.

The horse in the picture is Mamba. She comes from across the other side of the field to our fence when she hears Laurie's voice. The boys are safely tucked in bed, hair combed and appetites satiated. I'm upstairs writing on the computer. The sun sets slowly over the hillside, kissing us all good night. The cicadas almost drown out the sound of the passing neighborhood traffic.

I'm out of words.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympic Fever

Find More Olympics Photos at NBC Olympics.com!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Debt Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

I claim artistic license in the unabashed plagiarism in the subject of this post.





I also claim artistic lameness in using a lightsaber duel to symbolically represent the war we all fight with our debt. Darth Vader=Debt. You get it.


When last you read, I had spent the month after graduation from college relaxing on my couch, taking up smoking as a hobby, living off of cash advances from my Discover card and beginning to sense that the credit bubble would eventually burst if I didn't have some method of making the minimum monthly payments that were now appearing in my mailbox at the rate of 3 different bills EVERY single month. I never missed one of these bills, and was actually kind of proud of filling out the little payment coupons and writing out the checks. I didn't mind the housekeeping of paying the bills, but I was slightly annoyed at having to send these places money. Still a $25 dollar per month bill was a pretty small price to pay for being able to spend up to $1000 or so at a moments notice if I needed to. I felt pretty self-secure and self important.

It was a GREAT deal as far as I was concerned. These credit card companies entrusted me with a card, and they did not at all dictate what I used the card for, and all I had to do in return was make a $25 dollar per month payment. I mean, really this was very doable. $35 dollars a month was not going to be a problem. Especially when I got a job a $45/month payment was peanuts to me. Making a $150 average per show I was doing with my sound business, I could churn out 3 $55 payments without even blinking an eye. Hey, wait a second...

And so it came to be that I decided I needed a job. The short version of the story was, I knew this guy who needed help in the bookstore at my alma mater, which as it happened was only 4 miles or so from where I slept, and didn't open until 9 am. It was perfect. The salient details of how I stumbled my way into the bookstore job and backed my way into the bookstore career are fodder for later stories. The only detail I really remember from the time was me saying that I was only going to be in this job for about a year while my sound business was "building up". In June of 2009 I will get my 20 year service award from the company. That's actually a happy story, but that story is not really a part of this one.

With a regular income I was now able to handle $150 in credit card payments per month. I decided that I could discipline myself not to take cash advances from the Discover card anymore, after all, I wasn't earning the "cash-back" points on cash advances, and thereby missing that incredible opportunity.

I found myself fascinated with other people's credit habits, and what cards they carried, what interest rates they had, and other various perks that came with the territory. I noticed that several of my adultier friends had a card that I didn't have... something called American Express.
Huh. Better look in to this, I thought.

Friday, August 08, 2008

I "Discover" bondage, except, I don't realize it.

No...not that kind of bondage.

The bondage of credit cards.

ATM

By the time we had reached the end of the last blog post, I had used up close to half of my available $1500 credit nest egg. I had paid the bill a couple of times, $20 minimum payments, not to outrageous given my income level of an average of $120 month from my work study jobs plus the spare change I was always able to find in the spare couches around campus. After a couple of months or so I had developed a new level of financial sophistication and acumen that led me to realize that I needed a backup credit card... you know, for emergencies. It came in the mail 4 weeks later. As I conducted my in-depth financial analysis, I began to take notice of all things related to what credit cards could buy. Here's a short list of the things credit cards can buy:

Hamburgers
Milkshakes
Movie tickets
popcorn
Gas to go to the movies
CD's (wait.. it was 1988-89... I was still buying cassettes)
blank cassettes
books
magazines
Fried chicken
French Fries
greeting cards
Silly Putty
concert tickets
more gas
video rentals
fountain sodas
candy bars
hamburgers
pens and pencils
power tools
tires for the car
oil for the car
mechanic for the car
towing for the car
rental car
gas for rental car
gas in buddies car
cassette tapes
Steak dinners
steak dinners for all my friends
new tshirts
tuxedo rentals
bass strings
books
magazines
movies
video rentals
hamburgers

In other words... not a damn thing that I still have.

Now that I had a little experience, I felt it was time to become financially diverse. I knew instinctively it was not a good idea to have all my eggs in one basket, literally. I began to feel uncomfortable living in a world of credit cards that was clearly a duality, yet I was only carrying one small plastic card in a universe where there were 2 superpowers. Because they were always pictured as a couple, I knew I needed a Mastercard. The possibility of encountering a merchant that did not take Visa, I reasoned, was a risk I could not afford to take. Also, there were three credit card slots on the other half of my billfold, one slot of which was empty. That really, really bothered me. Mastercard, not wanting all of my business to go to Visa, realized fairly quickly that they needed me as a customer, and quickly sent me card #3. I was gratified to see that Mastercard had wisely given me a $2500 credit limit, and so that became the "emergency" card, and the two Visa cards were the "everyday" cards. Still, I was not complete.

TV ads touted the advantages of the Discover card because they offered something that Visa and Mastercard did not- Cash Back. This made perfect sense to me, being the "saver" in my family. I'd grown up carefully hoarding and stashing and counting and loaning money to my Dad and saving my birthday money for months at a time. I knew the value of a dollar. Here Discover proposed simply that for every dollar I spent, they would put 1% pack in my account. I ran the numbers in my head (I have a gift) and deduced that something that I bought for $100 was only going to cost me $99. In this way, I would have the edge of the market. I was never really going to pay what something cost, because Discover was going to make sure of that for me. Plus I had a great theory about using the "cash-back" from Discover to make the minimum payments on the other cards- giving me the ultimate in financial flexibility.

I discovered something else about Discover-they offered something I had not yet heard of- the Cash Advance. Because Discover was a (it began as) a product of Sears, all I had to do was go down to the service counter at Sears and ask for a cash advance, as much as $200 at a time. By this time I was getting ready to graduate, and I knew I needed a backup plan to tide me over while I figured out what I was going to do. I'd been way to busy trying to graduate to think about what I was going to do after graduation. All I really knew was how to feed myself and do my own laundry. By the way, to this day I still don't really see a need to separate whites and darks.

The fog of these first few years lifts a little as I recall the month after graduation, June of 1989. I've told the story many times, so it's a little more familiar to me. I just about literally sat around the entire month doing nothing. This was my reward, and my recovery, from having just squeaked to the college finish line, posting a heroic 2.5 GPA. In my opinion, I had a earned some R&R. I had the freedom to do anything I wanted to do, and I availed myself of it. Here is an example of what I am talking about, and I am not making this up. One day I decided to buy a pack of cigarettes and teach myself how to smoke. I had only been "pretend" smoking before, you see.

My new, revised plan was simple. I would live on the Discover card while I figured out what to do. I had borrowed $5000 to establish my first real business in the rock and roll industry by buying a sound system. I was working two weekends a month in local bars. My career was well under way, so I felt like I had accomplished what I had gone to college for. I knew I still had to "pay my dues" (that's show business talk) but everything was goind be JUST Fine. I only had one little glitch, which was that I had already spent this month's gig money, and rent was coming up, and my landlady didn't take credit cards. Damn her anachronistic antebellum ways!

Next- I get my first, and last, job.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Getting out of debt- part 2

It's a familiar story. You're in college, maybe you've got a work study job, maybe your parents send you a little money from time to time. In 1988, $100 was a lot of money and I could usually make it stretch as much as 5 or 6 weeks. I was on the "meal plan" so I didn't really have to pay for food. I had a car in my last two years, but I didn't really have to drive any where. When I was in college, if you were lucky enough to have a car, you had to put gas in it, but still, the biggest problem I faced was where I was going to go to the movies that weekend, or whatever it was I was doing. I never worried about how to pay for college in the middle of the semester. I just knew that when I would come back the next term I would just sign another one of those little papers and they would let me stay again. There was great comfort knowing I didn't have to pay back student loans until after I graduated... that seemed like such a long time away.

I don't even really remember the first offer I got. Rocky Mountain National Bank I think it was. A mailer in my box alongside the usual campus notices, C+ papers, notes from my mother and other typical college mail. I'm usually the type of person that trashes junk mail without a second glance, so I'm not sure what caught my eye. Again, this was 1988, and the credit card industry was not even then what it is today. (Side note: for a great documentary, watch this: The Secret History of the Credit Card ) I can only imagine what must have caught my eye, and it was in all likelyhood something like this- "You are PRE-APPROVED for a Visa card with a credit limit of $1500! Just sign here and mail this in! This was language I could understand.

I likewise do not remember what the first thing I bought on credit was. If I had to venture a guess it was probably gas for the car (the make and model of which even escapes me now). I'm sure my logic, well thought out as always, was, "if I only buy gas with it, I can save all my cash for dates and stuff".

From there the details become pretty fuzzy. I have vague recollections of getting the first bill in the mail at school and discovering I spent $130 in gas the first month, or something ridiculous like that. I do not remember at what point I realized that credit cards could be used also to purchase goods and services... and food... and a bunch of other stuff. I quickly figured out, due in great part to my tremendous reasoning skills, that I could not keep using this credit card forever, or I would use up my available credit. It was not going to be a very good idea to not have a buffer, a security blanket at my disposal, especially with things like Christmas break and stuff like that coming up. I could not believe the simplicity of the solution. All I had to do was fill out another credit card application, and wait for more money!

Next: I Discover bondage.

Monday, August 04, 2008

My life lately- getting out of debt

Since April, I have been listening to a lot of Dave Ramsey and realizing that my goal of the last ten years is within reach finally... getting out of debt. When I talk to people about this, most of them listen with a polite silence, appearing interested, but I always kind of feel like what I'm saying is going over their heads.... like, there might be a couple of possibilities running through their minds..

1) That's nice... Dave who?
2) Dave Ramsey... oh yeah, he's the one always telling people to sell their cars..
3) Man, wish I was getting out of debt... oh well, nothing I can really do about it.
4) Out of debt? You SUCK... shut up!
5)What do you mean, debt free?

One of the things I can remember my father saying to me when I was a kid was how he had just come to accept that he would always be in debt, always have a car payment, always owe on his house, etc... and my general impression was that he was fine with it. I learned to be in debt from my dad. Many of us did.

I began my debt journey at college, as did most people my age. I borrowed my way through 4 years at a private college. I was very grateful for the experience. I wasn't worried about the $20,000 dollar or so in student loans because I figured I had plenty of time to pay them back. What really happened was I took LOTS of time to pay them back. 15 years or so, not counting all the times they were in deferment.

But while I was in college, I was having such a good time, I would have signed any note with any terms in order to be able to come back each semester. The hell with the consequences. It set a pattern for me for life.

When I was a senior, I got my first credit card. Wow- free money!

To be continued...

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Read This.....

Butt Scratching and Bass Fishing
by Dave Ramsey

A couple of weeks ago, I worked late like I sometimes need to do to run my business. It was a nice Tennessee summer evening, and I was enjoying the drive home. About 7:30, as I pulled to a stop light a few blocks from my office, I noticed a light on in the corner office of a friend’s office building. Through the twilight I could make out my friend’s silhouette as he bent over his desk. Being a fellow entrepreneur, I knew what he was doing.

He was looking over some receivables. Some turkey hadn’t paid him, and he was trying to make his accounts balance so he would have the cash to make it another day. In that instant, I had a flashback to some of the ridiculous statements I’ve been hearing on the talking-head news channels and from some individuals during this political year. And I’ll be honest—I instantly felt the heat of anger flow through my body.

Let me tell you why. You see, my friend who I saw working late—we’ll call him Henry—is a great guy. He’s what you want your son to grow up to be. He loves God, his country, his wife, and his kids. He didn’t have the academic advantage of attending a big-name university. Instead, he started installing heating and air systems as a grunt laborer after he graduated from high school. He was and is a very hard and diligent worker, and before long, the boss taught him the trade. But when he was 24, after 6 years of service, the company he was working for got into financial trouble and laid him off.

Henry still had his tools, so he bought an old pickup to haul around his materials and tools, and suddenly he was in business. He knew about heating and air-conditioning, but not about business, so he made a lot of mistakes.

He persisted. He took accounting and management at the community college to learn about business. He started reading books on business, HVAC, marriage, kids, God, and anything else someone he respected recommended. Today he is one of the best-read men I know. Soon, because of his fabulous service and fair prices, he developed a great reputation, and his little business began to grow.

Henry started 15 years ago, and now he has 17 employees whose families are fed because he does a great job. He is in church on Sunday and seldom misses his kids’ Little League games. Sometimes he has to miss a game because some poor soul has their AC go out in the 96-degree Tennessee summer heat, but Henry makes sure they are served. He is, by all standards, a good man. He is, by all standards, what makes America great.

Henry and I are friends, and so he asked me some financial questions last year. I learned in the process that his personal taxable income last year was $328,000. I smiled with pride for this 70-hour a week guy because he is living the dream.

At the stop light that evening, I also thought of another guy I know—and that is where the anger flash came from. We will call him John. While John does not have the same drive Henry has, I can say that he, too, is a good man.

John also graduated from high school and did not attend a big-name university. He went to work at a local factory 15 years ago. When 5:00pm comes around, John has probably already made it to his car in the parking lot. He comes in 5 minutes late, takes frequent breaks, and leaves 5 minutes early. However, to his credit, he is steady and works hard.

Over the years, due to his steadiness and seniority, he has worked his way up to about $75,000 per year in that same factory. He seldom misses his kid’s ballgames, but .. most nights you will find him in front of the TV where he has become an expert on “American Idol,” “The Biggest Loser,” and who got thrown off the island. When he is not in front of the TV, he spends a LOT of time and money bass fishing on our local lake. He never works over 40 hours a week and hasn’t read a non-fiction book since high school.

This is America, and there is nothing wrong with either set of choices. Nothing wrong, that is, until the politicians and socialists get involved ...

I have seen several elitist people on the talking-head channels make the statement lately that people making over $250,000 per year have a “moral imperative” to pay more in taxes to take care of the country’s problems. This is not only infuriating—it is economically, spiritually, and morally crazy!

Where in the world do these twits get off saying that Henry should be punished for his diligence? If you are John, where do you get off trying to take Henry’s hard-earned money away from him in the name of your misguided “fairness”? If you want to sit on the lake, drink beer, scratch your butt, and bass fish, that is perfectly fine with me. I am not against any of those activities and have engaged in some of them myself at one time or another. But you HAVE NO RIGHT to talk about “moral imperatives” about what other people have earned due to their diligence. That money is not yours! You want some money? Go earn some! Get up, leave the cave, kill something, and drag it home.

We are in a dangerous place in our country today. A segment of our population has decided that it is the government’s job to provide all of their protection, provision, and prosperity. This segment has figured out that government doesn’t have the money to give them everything they want, so somebody else has to pay for it. That is how the “politics of envy” was born. “Tax the rich” has become the mantra of the left, and this political season it has been falsely dubbed a “moral imperative.”

Ninety percent of America’s millionaires are first-generation rich. They are Henry. To tax them because you think it is a “moral imperative” is legalizing governmental theft from our brightest, most charitable, and most productive citizens.

If I can get a law passed that says you must surrender all your cars to the government because it is the “moral imperative” of anyone who owns cars to support the latest governmental program, that would be a violation of private property rights and simply morally wrong. This new “moral imperative” to redistribute wealth is no different from that. It’s the SAME THING!

Please, America, re-think the politics of envy! You are sowing the seeds of our destruction when you punish the Henrys of our culture.

If you think taxing the populace to support government programs is the best way—and I don’t—then at least tax every single person the same! There are very few Henrys out here who would squawk much about paying a set percentage of their income—if everyone else did, too. But this idea of some butt-scratching bass fisherman saying government should tax his neighbor and not him—just because his neighbor has succeeded—must stop.

So the next time an elitist media talking-head starts telling you it is the moral imperative of our culture to tax my friend Henry, change the channel.

The next time you see someone wealthy who feels guilty and is preaching the politics of envy, change the channel.

The next time you see some celebrity who feels guilt over their income preaching socialism, change the channel.

And the next time you run into a misguided, butt-scratching bass fisherman who says the evil rich people in our culture should have their private property confiscated because that is fair… well just shake your head walk away—and make sure to vote against his candidate. If he and his type win, God help America.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Monday, April 28, 2008

I'm back again.

Well, I kinda let the trail go cold on my 419 reverse scams.... when I last posted, I had put a couple of them off by feigning traumatic injuries. The good thing about 419 scams is that they are always readily available. We'll start a couple more up after a while. Meantime, here's a really funny Youtube for your entertainment. Watch the drummer.

Monday, March 10, 2008

James Luis sends HIS regards

FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,
SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Shehu Shagari Way, Central Area
Abuja - Nigeria .

Attention: Roscoe Coltrane

I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU, HOW IS YOUR BODY NOW? I HOPE YOU ARE FEELING FINE I PRAY GOD WILL TOUCH YOUR BODY FOR A FAST RELEIF OF PAINS,

I WILL WAIT AND TRY TO CONFUSE THE OFFICIALS ABOUT YOUR FILE AND MRS MORGAN TOO,

I PRAY YOU WILL BE OK SOON

Best Wishes,

Hon. (Mrs.) Doores Morgan
The Federal Minister Finance (FMF).
PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

I took a few days off

I've been out of town the last few days, leaving my current baits hanging in the balance. Haven't heard from James Luis since his last little note, but apparently word of my leg wound got back to ZEDEX Express, and they are concerned... how nice!



ZEDEX EXPRESS PARCEL SERVICES
Global Cargo Freight Services

6A Musa Street,Ikoyi Lagos
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------,,




avion02.gif   (20271 octets)
MAIL DELIVERY SERVICE
6A Musa Street,Ikoyi Lagos
LAGOS NIGERIA.
EMAIL:zedexexpressparcel_services@hotmail.com
Attn:Roscoe Caltrane,
oh' my God my Brother i had what happen to you? since the last time i had from you till now i have even forgoten that you have a consingment in our office for delivery sorry me.It was when i got a call from the Federal Minstry of finance by the Chief Auditor he told me you were short at the leg that you can not effect delivery now with us,i fully understand you plight now, most time in some casese were clients do not want to effect there delivery we considers that they do not have the money to pay for there delivery services.But now i know that your Owen case is not like that
Nevertheless we have acted on the order of the federal ministry of finance to return your parcel back to there office for safety reasons, and we have just done that i believe by now the the Federal ministry of finance most have let you know these.This is were we are in due buiness with you untill we hear from you again.
please get well soon and take proper Good care of your self.


THANKS
YOURS FAITHFULLY
AT YOUR SERVICE.
MR.TONY MARTINS.
(ZEPS)



Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! MSN Messenger


Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! MSN Messenger


Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! MSN Messenger

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Dr. Ali sends his regards

Dr. Ali thinks I've been shot. He writes...

Ministry Finance to me
show details 8:21 AM (14 hours ago) Reply




Dear Roscoe P. Coltrane

How has is your leg doing now? since the other day i have been thinking about what happen to you, just like that,men of this world is wicked,i will try all my best to see that his ministry wait for you to get well.I always say a pryer for each morning before work, please get well soon and God bless you soon and all ways.

Believe me my the time you wake up tommorrow you wiil be feeling better as before.

Best regards,
Dr,Cofi Ali

I need to send James Luis an update

Time to see how much patience he's got...


I've had a little trouble
James,
I have not been able to get to the bank yet. I was in a terrible car wreck yesterday. I'm unable to move. I had the nurse type this email for me on my laptop. See attached picture.


I will send word to the bank hopefully this weekend.
Yours,
Roscoe



James Luis is starting to get impatient

I suggested splitting the "inheritance" with James Luis, but he either didn't understand that offer, or didn't like it, because he ignored it. Witness:


FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,
SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Shehu Shagari Way, Central Area
Abuja - Nigeria .

Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR MAIL,PLEASE MAIL ME IFYOU ARE STILL AVAILABLE


Best Wishes,

Hon. (Mrs.) Doores Morgan
The Federal Minister Finance (FMF).
PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis


"Roscoe P. Coltrane" wrote:
Look, I'm sorry Brother James, I just don't have $980 right now. Why don't you do this, take the $900,000, keep $450,000 for yourself, you pay the fee, and send me the rest? How about that?

That way you and I will BOTH benefit.
Sincerely,
RP Coltrane
----- Original

Dr. Ali is concerned

Roscoe P. Coltrane,

I highlty simpathise with you, so sorry and I thank the almighty God that you are alive.

Could you please send me your personal phone contacts including the code so we can as well ease our mode of correspondence.

Though, there is a good news regarding the delivery of the card through, i hope if you lay your hand on the funds you can take good care of yourself and heal up fast.

You can as well call me on +234-80-339-68-400

I await your urgent reply.

Dr Cofi Ali.


I need to buy some time..

I need to put Dr. Cofi Ali off a little bit, in order to gain time to fool with James Luis some more. I decide that I must have received a terrible gunshot wound, which is why I can't get back with Zedex right now...


Dr. Ali,
I was shot by a gun in the leg tonight. Look at this picture. I'm afraid I can't deal with Zedex right now.


I'll write back as soon as I'm able.
yours,
RP Coltrane

Dr. Ali checks in

At this point Dr. Ali wants to make sure that Zedex Express has contacted me.



Attn: Roscoe Coltrane,
I saw your massage it all good that you have contacted zedex expressparcel services
for your delivery,nevertheless i believe by now you must have received your consignment at your door step.Please inf om us as soon as possible if you have
so therefore we can send to you, your secret pin code the will enable you make
use of the card at any ATM center around you,
I rest my case until i hear from you as soon as possible
Regards,
Dr, Cofi Ali.


Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

Monday, February 25, 2008

FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,
SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Shehu Shagari Way, Central Area
Abuja - Nigeria .
Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane
I AM SORRY FOR THE LATE RESPONSE I AM SO BUSY ALL THE DAYS,
THE PICTURES YOU ASK FOR I AM VERY BUSY TO SNAP THE PICTURE AND MRS, MORGAN TOLD ME THAT I DONT NHAVE ANY AUTHORITY TO GIVE HER PICTURE TO ANY ONE AND SHE TELL ME NOT TO DO I YOU SAID TOO BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH THE RIGHT OFFICE SO I DECIDED TO BRING ONE OF MY FAMILY PICTURE SO THAT YOU WILL KNOW AND SEE THE KNID OF PERSON YOU ARE DEALING WITH,
PLEASE DO MAIL ME BACK IF YOU ARE READY TO PAY AND PROMISE ME YOU WILL NOT TELL MRS, MORGAN BECAUSE AHE SAID THAT SHE WILL MAIL YOU HERSELF
AND IF YOU ARE READY TO PAY, PAY THROUGH THE INFORMATION I GAVE TO YOU LAST TIME
Best Wishes,
Hon. (Mrs.) Doores Morgan
The Federal Minister Finance (FMF).
PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis


Editors Note: He attached a picture of a guy with three very sweet looking, innocent children. We're going to leave them out of this.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Zedex Express writes back

I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to trust any shipping and freight company that can't spell "shipping" and "freight". Check out the "official approval" certificate.




MAIL DELIVERY SERVICE
6A Musa Street,Ikoyi Lagos
LAGOS NIGERIA.
EMAIL:zedexexpressparcel_services@hotmail.com
TELL:+234-083-470-4194
Fax Number:001-928-563-9498

Attn:Roscoe Caltrane,
How are you doing over there? happy weekends to you. We are in receipts of your mail and the option you have chosen, you were well directed by the FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE
for immdate shipment of your parcel ,i want you to know now and also understand this , that we are yet again to lunch our newer web site which is till on process by the I.C.B Company,i have to explain to you all this which on a very good day i would not even think of it.

, Base on your dault of our company which is mostly used by Government bodies for private and Diplomatic shipment all round the continent we have been well approved by the (FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA AND THE SENATE COMMITTEE) zedexepressparcel has been approved since 27Th,November 1999 nevertheless you are not the only one our company has render service to or about to render the best Of services.

I am very much assuring you that your parcel will be well delved to your door step as soon as you effect payment, you have nothing to worry about, that is why i have to go beyond the office protocol to past you with our company certificate of approval by his Senate committee
you will find below the attached document of approval and that is all,the rest is left on you to clear your parcel from our delivery chart board so you can be issued a tracking number as soon as possible, once you make up your mind to effect for us to effect shipment to you, you have to send to us you current Home address or p.o.Box that will be convent for you.


THANKS
YOURS FATHFULLY
AT YOUR SERVICE.
MR.TONY MARTINS.
(ZEPS)




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! MSN Messenger


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! MSN Messenger


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Huh... James Luis must be nervous

FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,Shehu Shagari Way, Central AreaAbuja - Nigeria .

Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane


i thank god you now realise that, i will send you my photo as you said holding a fish and drawing a cross line. and i will give you the picture of mrs morgan as soon as i am less busy i will snap the picture of mine.

Please do not answer any mail except this mail.

Best Regards,

Hon. (Mrs.) Doores MorganThe Federal Minister Finance (FMF).PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Time to put the screws on..

I gotta let James Luis know about the REAL Federal Ministry of Finance...


James
I think something is going on very wrong here. Here is the original letter from the real Ministry of Finance:



> INTERNATIONAL ATM CREDIT SETTLEMENT DEPT..FRN
>
>
>
> ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY.
>
>
>
> THIS IS TO OFFICIALY INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE VERIFIED YOUR CONTRACT/INHERITANCE FILE AND FOUND OUT THAT WHY YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT FULFILLED THE OBLIGATIONS GIVING TO YOU IN RESPECT TO YOUR CONTRACT / INHERITANCE PAYMENT SECONDLY WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE STILL BEEN DALEY BY THE BANK OFFICIALS. SUCH ILLEGAL ACT LIKE THIS HAVE TO STOP.
>
> IF YOU WISHES TO RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT SINCE WE HAVE DECIDED TO BRING A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM,RIGHT NOW WE HAVE ARRANGED YOUR PAYMENT THROUGH OUR SWIFT A T M CARD PAYMENT....

.... blah, blah, blah.......

IMPOSTORS, WE HEREBY ISSUED YOU OUR CODE OF CONDUCT, WHICH IS (303) SO YOU HAVE TO INDICATE THIS CODE IN ALL FUTURE CORRESPONDENCE.
>
> THE CHIEF AUDITOR TO
> THE MINISTRY OF FINANCE
> DR, MARK ALI.


I now require proof of your existence and the existence of the Federal Ministry of Finance. I want to pay my $980 fee to get my $900,000 fund, but I don't want to send it to the wrong Ministry of Finance! Please, offer some photo proof that you are real. You must take a photo doing something that only I will recognize and understand, please take a photo of yourself holding a fish and making the sign of the cross. Then I will be assured that everything is in order and we can proceed with the transferring of the funds.

Father Roscoe P Coltrane

James Luis is concerned

FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,
SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Shehu Shagari Way, Central Area
Abuja - Nigeria .

Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane

PLEASE SIR DONT LET ANY BODY DECIEVE YOU, GIVE ME THE E-MAIL OF THE REAL FEDERAL MINISTER OF FINANCE.

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE DOCUMENT YOU RECIEVE IS FAKE

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

No suprise, I immediately get a reply from Zedex

Zedex? I dunno, sounds like a pro outfit to me...

----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 1:42 PM
Subject: which of the options sir,



ZEDEX EXPRESS PARCEL SERVICES
Global Cargo Freight Services

6A Musa Street,Ikoyi Lagos
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




avion02.gif   (20271 octets)
MAIL DELIVERY SERVICE
6A Musa Street,Ikoyi Lagos
LAGOS NIGERIA.
EMAIL:zedexexpressparcel_services@hotmail.com
Attn:Roscoe Caltrane,

WE RECIEVED A DETAILED INFORMATION FROM THE FEDERAL MININSTRY OF NIGERIA,ASKING THIS COURIER COMPANY TO DELIVER AN PARCEL BELONGING TO MR.ROSCOE CALTRANE .IN VIEW OF THIS,WE HAVE GONE THROUGH OUR DELIVERY CHART AND CREATE A FIEL FOR THE DELIEVERY OF YOUR YOUR PARCEL TO YOUR DOOR STEP.
BASED ON THIS PREMIUM,THE FOLLOWINGS BELLOW ARE OUR OFFICIAL SHIPPMENT CHARGES AS APPROVED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA TO HER INTERNATIONAL STANDARD.
FOR YOUR OWN INTEREST AND URGENTENCY, CHOOSE BETWEEN THE FOLLOWING CHOICES OF SHIPPING AND GET BACK TO US.

FIST OPTION. 2-3 DAYS DELIVERY
MAILING &N BSP;...................$100.00
INSURANCE.............................$7300.00
VAT (5%)................................... $60.00
TOTAL................................. $890.00
SECOND OPTION 3-4 DAYS
MAILING &N BSP;..................$ 100.00
INSURANCE.............................$ 700.00
VAT (5%)................................. $ 60.00
TOTAL................................. $ 860.00

THIRD OPTION 6-7 DAYS
MAILING &N BSP;..................$ 100.00
INSURANCE.............................$680.00
VAT (5%)................................. $ 60.00
TOTAL................................. $ 840.00
NOTE THAT OUR SHIPPING COMPANY DECLINED REVERSE PAYMENT FOR THE SERVICE, REASONS BEING THAT IT IS AGAINST OUR PROFESSIONAL POLICY TOWARDS ENSURING THE SAFE DELIVERY OF THE PARCEL TO YOU. COST OF SHIPPING WOULD BE PAID BY YOU BEFORE SHIPPING OF YOUR PARCEL.

GET BACK TO US WITH THE SHIPPING OPTION THAT SUITS YOU MOST.

THANKS
YOURS FATHFULLY
AT YOUR SERVICE.
MR.TONY MARTINS.
(ZEPS)

I decide to humor Dr. Ali and contact Zedex Express

----- Original Message -----
From: Roscoe Coltrane
To: Ministry Finance ; zedexexpressparcel_services@hotmail.com
Sent: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 12:21 PM
Subject: Re: ALL IS WELL


Dear Zedex,
How do I get my parcel?
Dr. Ali is sending me a very important package from the Federal Ministry of Finance of Nigeria. Please let me know what to do to effect shipment to me. We need to be extremely cautious in these matters since the FBI and CIA have been watching me for some reason.

Yours,
Father Roscoe Coltrane

I decide to play the two scammers against each other

So let's tell James Luis that I'm not concerned about his measly little $900,000 because I've got another FMF promising $9 million.


Brother James,
I'm sorry my brother, the Lord bless you, but the deal is off. I have been contacted by the REAL Federal Ministry of Finance, and they are giving me $9,020,000, and they aren't charging me anything. I'm afraid I don't have the time for a paltry sum of $900,000. I have attached my approval.




Don't worry brother I will still say a blessing for you.
O LORD, indeed bless now James Luis and Doores Morgan and ALL the brothers. Please help them and ALL Ministers of Finance of Nigeria no matter what their name is. May he who would rise up against them be taxed by the governor, and their homes be flattened by bulldozers. O Lord, protect them from the plague of St. Peter for in those last days it is written "Slew they the enemies of the children of Bethshejabelebub and cast they their swine into their pits, and verily did they come out from among them and laid down with their sheep, and their sheep did know them." Amen
Father Roscoe Coltrane

Now back to James Luis

In case you've lost track here, I've got TWO scammers writing to me, both claiming to represent the Federal Ministry of Finance of Nigeria...they are both starting to get a little anxious...


FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,
SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Shehu Shagari Way, Central Area
Abuja - Nigeria .
Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane
PLEASE WE ARE WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE, WASTING TOO MUCH TIME WILL BE DANGEROUS,
NOTE: YOUR TRANSFER WILL BE DONE IN 48 HOUR AFTER THE FILE HAS BEEN ACTIVATED
Hon. (Mrs.) Doores Morgan
The Federal Minister Finance (FMF).
PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis






FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,
SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Shehu Shagari Way, Central Area
Abuja - Nigeria .
Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane
THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, THAT IS THE INFORMATION YOU NEED TO SEND THE MONEY, THAT IS OUR FINANCIAL OFFICER, HE HIS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THE AUTHURITY TO RECEIVE ANY MONEY IN THIS OFFICE.
NOTE: DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY TO ANY OTHER NAME AND INFORMATION, AND DO NOT SEND THE WESTERN UNION INFROMATION TO ANY MAIL.
AND NOTE ONCE AGAIN THIS IS THE INFORMATION THAT YOU NEED BELOW
Name: Benjamin Afolabi
Address: 5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex
Country: Nigeria
Text Question................JESUS?
Answer.................LORD,
Amount................?
Senders Name................Yours
Address...............
Control Numbers....................?
CONTACT ME AS YOU MAKE THE PAYMENT WITH THE WESTERN UNION RECIEPT FOR PROPER VERIFICATION.
Best Wishes,
Hon. (Mrs.) Doores Morgan
The Federal Minister Finance (FMF).
PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis



Dr. Cofi (used to be Mark) Ali reponds

He seems to be getting a little impatient here...

Attn: Roscoe Coltran

some times it is better that we try instead of not trying at all,i can assure you that a swift card can be used to pay off all kinds of bills as Long as the card is valued and credit full.

any way that is not the kind of question am expecting you to ask after all effort this office has put in place for your payment to come out fast.Your contract payment has been closed and we have moved on to the others who also need to be payed like you
we are sending your parcel to a Government ASND courier company that will deliver
your card to you by tomorrow morning first thing.

It is either you are ready to clear your parcel from the courier company or not it all depends on you now to say,but sincerely speaking by the time you receive your swift card all you have to do is go right away and make use of it to confirm the card

Below is the address of the courier company that will effect shipment to you.
zedexexpressparcel_services@hotmail.com

I have tried calling you but could not get through i will still call again
Thanks and Best
Regards
Dr,Cofi Ali.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I have another question

Roscoe Coltrane to Ministry

show details 12:51 PM (5 hours ago)



Reply


Dr. Ali,
Now, on that payment card, will that work for gas at the gas station? I don't know if you get the US news, but gas prices are a BITCH these days.

Yours,
Father Roscoe

Monday, February 18, 2008

At Last, I hit paydirt!










Well, it's official. I've got a $9,020,000 ATM card. Just LOOK at these official documents! Dr. Mark Ali explains:

Ministry Finance to me
show details 11:25 PM (39 minutes ago)
Reply
Atten: Roscoe Coltrane,
Your mail is well understood by me, it is a good thing when we ask questions right?
yes the kind of ATM CARD that is to be issued out to you for your payment is an American Express Card that can bee used in the United state and the Uk, as well as in the stated bank you made mention of earlier,

we are now glad to inform you that your swift payment with us is fully due for use.We shall send across the card to you as soon as you say so and confirmed your readiness for shipment to your door step.

The attached Documentations are what you well present to the courier company that will deliver your card to you also with some identity card before singing off your card to you
be well informed again that your SWIFT ATM CARD has a FOUR (4) digital number that
is to be know to only you one for use,

at the moment base on the law that has been pass on by the CBN GOVERNOR that any SWIFT ATM CARD that is to be delivered to across country, that the PIN we be kept secret until delivered to the rightful Owener before they can send across to us your PIN CODE the will enable you make weldrower with the card.

so therefore as soon as you receive this mail make sure to contact me immediately so that i can direct you the to a good courier company that will effect shipment to your door step.

Thanks and may God bless you as you have contributed in helping others in the LORD

Yours sincerely
Dr,Cofi Ali

No word yet as to what the cost to me for all this will be. Also, we may have a small problem. Seems like Dr. Mark (Cofi?) Ali represents the Federal Ministry of Finance of Nigeria, just like James Luis does. The two ministers of Finance have different names. Dr. Ali's FMF is, (according to the documents) a (Mrs) Nenadi Usman. James Luis is Personal Secretary to FMF Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan. I wonder if both these ladies who have male secretaries knows that the other one has contacted Father Roscoe P Coltrane? We'll let this go a little further and then find out. Naturally, I'd rather go with Dr. Ali's FMF, they want to give me $9,000,000, and James Luis' FMF only wants to give me $900,000. Stay tuned!

MEANWHILE, Dr. Mark Ali writes back

Remember Dr. Mark Ali, who had informed me of my inheritance ($9,000000.000,20,0000 (NINE MILLION TWEENTH THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS). He finally wrote back:


Ministry Finance to me
show details Feb 16 (3 days ago) Reply

Attn Rev. Roscoe P Coltrane,

I perused through your e-mail, thank you.

I wish to inform you that the information we have here clearly stated that you are beneficiary to the unclaimed funds approved by this ministry, in other words, this is the only means of having the funds transfered to you via ATM swift card payment.

Note that with this procedure, your ATM card will be processed and ready for shipment withing 48 hours working days to the below address.

Holy Apostolic Arminian Order of St. Bartholomew 2112 Rushband Street
Denver CO 34901.

We shall need your personal datas to enable us effect the shippment and proccesing of the card as soon as possible. Your personal id card or copy of your international passport will be needed to further this transactions in other to assist us raise the necessary documents that will aid the release of your swift atm card.

I await your urgent reply.

Thank you.

Yours faithfully,
Dr. Mark Ali.

Ok, I need details. I write back...I'll send him some bogus bank information to whet his whistle...

Dear Dr. Ali,
What kind of ATM card is it? Here where I live (near the Monastery) there is only one ATM. It has to be an ATM from The First National Bank of Flatuent Trust. Can you send me a picture of it?

Here is my bank info in Amsterdam
ank's name: ABN-AMRO Bank N.V.
Bank's address: Apollolaan 171
City: Amsterdam
Country: The Netherlands
SWIFT code / BIC code: ABNANL2A
For Account and IBAN details, please contact the Financial Adminstration.
Beneficiary: International Congress and Convention Association
Address: Toren A, De Entree 57
Postal Code: 1101 BH
City: Amsterdam
Country: The Netherlands
VAT registration number: NL008601835B01
Contact:
G. Arents
Financial Controller
ICCA, The International Congress & Convention Association
Toren A
De Entree 57
1101 BH Amsterdam
The Netherlands
Tel: +31 20 398 1907
Fax:+31 20 699 0781

Sincerely,
Father Roscoe P Coltrane

We'll see where this one goes...



I try to send James the right form

The object of any scambait is to try and waste as MUCH of the scammers time, energy and resources as possible. Now that James Luis is expecting a Western Union transfer, it's time to send him on as many wild goose chases as possible.





Brother James,
Is this the correct Western Union form? Will it work?

Father Roscoe

James Luis gets down to business

Now we reach the moment of truth. James Luis, secretary to the Minister of Finance, has given me detailed instructions as to where to send my $980 fee (to process the $900,000 transfer)

James Luis to me
show details 5:31 AM (16 hours ago) Reply

FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,
SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Shehu Shagari Way, Central Area
Abuja - Nigeria .

Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane

We are sorry for the late response, your mail means a lot to us.
About the check you scan with my name we don't accept check payment, (ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD).

WE ONLY ACCEPT PAYMENT THROUGH WESTERN UNION, AND IF YOU ARE READY TO PAY THIS IS THE INFORMATION YOU WILL SEND IT TO

Name: Benjamin Afolabi
Address: 5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex
Country: Nigeria
Text Question................JESUS?
Answer.................LORD,
Amount................?
Senders Name................Yours
Address...............
Control Numbers....................?

As soon as you send the money inform me so that I will tell Mr. Benjamin to pick it up, please note that you must send the receipt that they gave you in western union for proper verification



Best Wishes,

Hon. (Mrs.) Doores Morgan
The Federal Minister Finance (FMF).
PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis

Sunday, February 17, 2008

John Cleese’s “Letter to America”15 02 2008

Originally uploaded by Browserd.
Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I quickly cut the check


Dear Brother James
Thank you for attending to these details on my behalf. Please, thank Hon. Mrs Doores Morgan for me as well.
I have decided to ask my financial officer, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, to cut a check to you for the fees associated with re-validating my account. I have asked him to send you more than you ask, a total of $2896 USD, against any other expenses this matter may incur.
Please advise me exactly to what address to send this check.
I have attached a picture of the check for your verification.
Sincerely,
Father Roscoe P Coltrane

Friday, February 15, 2008

Ahhhhhh..... I knew it. This is going to cost me

The premise of all 419 scams (or, the Advance Fee Scam) is that some large sum of money has by some mysterious stroke of luck has suddenly been bequeathed upon you. In order to get the money transfered from whereever it is to your bank however proves to be somewhat difficult. Much paperwork needs to be done, and there are fees involved. So the idea of the 419 scam is to collect fees to "clear" the inheritance to be transferred to your account. All in the service of the Lord, of course. The object of what I'm doing, or "scam-baiting" is to make these criminals waste as much time and resources as is humanly possible, embarass themselves in the process, and send you souveneirs and trophies along the way....
Here is the wiki link for the
419 scam.


...and now to the payoff email-

WHAT TO DO, TIME.....
James Luis to me show details 4:25 PM (5 hours ago) Reply

FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER:
Hon. (Mrs) Doores Morgan
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,SECRETARY
James Luis
5th Floor, Annex 3,
New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Shehu Shagari Way,
Central AreaAbuja - Nigeria .

Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane
Once again, we want to thank you for your mail, we want to assure you that as far as you follow this transaction the way you are going, in the next couple of days, you will sing a different song. As requested, it will cost you US$980.00 (NINE HUNRED AND EIGHTY UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) to RE-ACTIVATE AND RE-VALIDATE YOUR FILE ONLY, so as soon as your file is ACTIVATED, we shall then instruct the paying bank to effect your payment without any delay. This is what you ought to do now, remember once again that we work with time here because we have too many things to cover up before the end of this first quarter, so any delay might be dangerous to this transaction.
Best Wishes, Hon. (Mrs.) Doores Morgan
The Federal Minister Finance (FMF).
PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis


So... time to get to business:

Roscoe Coltrane to James
Please send the documents and address to where I must send the money. Also, it might be nice to have a picture of Mrs Doores Morgan, of the Federal Ministry of Finance, so that I may know who I am dealing with on that side. A blessing to you, my son, and to your sheep.Father Roscoe P Coltrane

Back to the Nigerian Ministry of Finance

This email is a little terse, almost as if James Luis, personal secretary to the Nigerian Federal Minister of Finance, is suprised that I didn't even ask about the money in the last email. See below-






FROM THE NEW ELECTED MINISTER: Hon. (Mrs) Doores MorganFEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE,SECRETARY: James Luis,
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,Shehu Shagari Way, Central AreaAbuja - Nigeria .

Attention: Father Roscoe P Coltrane,

We received your mail, but you have not and did not even ask what it will cost you to get your file ACTIVATED. Well, know that we have a stipulated time mapped out for each and every file, so you are advised to make sure that you instruct your financial officer (Hugh G. Rection) to reach us immediately before it is late.

We expect your/there most urgent response, without which, your funds will be cancelled.

Best Wishes,

Hon. (Mrs.) Doores MorganThe Federal Minister Finance (FMF).PERSONAL SECRETARY: Mr. James Luis


Lordy, I don't want my funds to be canceled. Father Coltrane had better write back real quick, so that Mr. Luis doesn't think I'm stringing him along....

Dear James
You are correct, I am quite sure that it will cost something to get the file activated. I should have already anticipated this. Thank you for your concern and assistance in this matter. $900,000 is a large amount of money, and needs to be taken very seriously. How much money would you estimate it will cost to activate my file and get the funds transferred?

Father Roscoe